I spent 99% of my sophomore college days completely overlooking my present experience of life and staying hidden in the barriers of my mind. Constantly battling myself, waging war with my emotions and thoughts, and questioning everything.
Regardless of the blissful experiences, I was presented with, I simply could not get myself to appreciate, as much as I wanted to. The dinners, the late-night conversations, the travels. I was physically present, but mentally in a hell hole. I lived in utter fear of the next scary thought that might throw me off, worried of never feeling like myself, and feeling victim to the slightest life experience.
Call this chronic anxiety, ADHD, overthinking, or an anxious mess. The labels don’t matter anyways.
What I severely overlooked, was the depth of my experience.
It wasn’t about what my mind was feeding into me or what the seeming pain in my body meant. But it was about stripping the idea that what I was experiencing was hellish, unwanted, and miserable.
Looking beyond the objective meanings I had given my feelings or emotions, I was able to dive deeper and deeper into my current experience of life. Every sensation, sound, and thought blurred together until I couldn’t label what my state of being was.
I no longer questioned why I felt certain things, had certain desires or did the things I did. I become open to every thought and emotion, losing my attachment to them.
I surrendered.
When I no longer was navigating my life through objective means, I felt connected with the flow of life.
The present is a confusing place to be. Here, my compulsive mental tendencies, subtle escapes into illusory mental constructs, and suffering couldn’t exist. I felt like there was nothing to do, no mental activity to resort to. My only job was to be 110% immersed in what life was offering me right now.
That was true freedom.
J I V A W A Y S 