I write after scrolling through pictures of my past year. As I admired every picture of my sophomore year, I remember how much pain, confusion, and struggle I was in at the time. School, friendships, career confusion, feelings of inadequacy, desperately reaching for any source of peace. Never have I experienced such a tumultuous year.
Each picture reminded me of how I felt every second: nervous, hopeful, fearful, never fully present, yet deeply trusting. All the exciting things I wanted in my life felt so far, I felt so lost and clung to the hope of the future.
Eventually, this dehumanizing endeavor to climb up a wall that towered into the clouds ceased out of pure helplessness. I sank into every emotion, thought, and fear.
I surrendered.
Just when I thought all my struggles and efforts to improve myself were futile, life began to blossom in ways I couldn’t fathom. I looked forward to getting out of bed again, I became excited for what the day ahead held, and my passions became more clear.
Fast forward many months, and I scroll through pictures that remind me of this mentally and emotionally frightening time of my life. Now, I smile. I adore myself exactly how I was back then and wonder why I hated myself so much back then.
My biggest learning from this experience is that pain, and insecurity are not things to run away from. In fact, they should be allowed and embraced. I noticed that most of my sustained struggles resulted from the fact that I was somehow running away from fear and trying to chase happiness.
In retrospect, my struggles were such an era, for a lack of better wording. The strain and turbulence were only there to help me level up into the person I am today.
This clarity allows me to better empathize with other people, understanding that everyone is simply trying to improve, be better, are hurting, and deal with heavy emotions. Appreciating where I am in my life and also where others are, instill a sense of compassion and kindness in me that wouldn’t exist without battling with myself.
As counter-intuitive as it might feel, I invite you to embrace where you are in life even if it seems like it’s not where you want to be. The chaos, tension, worry, and anxiety. While it’s easy to run away from it, it’s a temporary satisfaction. Facing my fears head-on helped me understand that there is actually nothing to be scared of.
The only thing to fear is fearing fear itself.
What about you? What are some things you would tell your past self knowing what you know now? I am excited to read them.
J I V A W A Y S 