What External Validation Taught Me

There is so much that excites us: people, experiences, careers, clothes. The list is endless. The dreams of having a Kardashian-style walk-in closet make the 9-5 job we slave away at seem worth it. You’d be surprised at what people would do for a little extra cash or for attention from someone they admire.

While we don’t need to entirely surrender all these exciting aspects of life, we certainly should be aware if they have us on a leash. We can ask ourselves if we are truly enjoying the complex depth of life that is unveiled to us when we drop the need for external validation or instead if we are still going about our lives in search of something outside of us that promises us love, security, and safety.

I didn’t realize how much of my worth I was basing off of other people’s actions toward me, my academic accomplishments, or how I looked. Every day became a cyclic struggle where I pushed myself to be better in order to receive attention or confirmation from outside of me that I was good enough, that I was valid, and that I mattered.

The more I chased external assurance, I became more disconnected from myself than ever before.

In fact, there was a time when I stayed in my apartment and off my phone for a few days straight because I felt so tired of trying to gain more attention from people, searching for research position after research position, and looking to online resources to “fix me”.

I became sick of the struggle.

The beautiful thing about life I learned is that ultimately, this arduous struggle comes to an end when we realize that nobody or nothing will give us the feelings we truly crave, such as confidence and peace.

Nothing or nobody can truly replace the Self that we are.

The moment I gave up the effort to get, to acquire, to possess, my body felt lighter. I felt more interconnected with myself because all that remained was just me in the present moment. I noticed how loving myself and validating myself was effortless when I wasn’t trying to seek something or someone outside of me to give it to me.

Now, I take so much pride in knowing that nothing or nobody is responsible for making me feel a certain way. I have nobody to blame and nothing to obtain. In this way, I have built a heightened awareness of how my feelings and thoughts work in me, building a rich connection with myself that runs deep.

Getting to a point of sheer disgust of trying to seek happiness outside of myself, in retrospect, was necessary for me to come to peace with myself. I don’t feel like anything I truly desire is the source of the butterflies I feel when I dream about it. I find so much security in the fact that I am experiencing feelings of happiness and joy in myself, and not mislabeling the external world as the source of it.

This leads me to realize that at the core of who we all are, is love. If we choose to allow it and not make the world responsible for it, we are in fact always experiencing love, admiration, and serenity toward ourselves and others. Life no longer is about achieving a certain goal or getting somewhere. Now, it is about enjoying the ebb and flow of all experiences and emotions that ultimately help us connect with ourselves more.

Let me know your thoughts on this topic in the comment section below!